He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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