He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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