i was born a porn star she said
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
