New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
