sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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