I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
