You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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