We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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