Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
