Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
