I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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