when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
