when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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