i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
