i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
