I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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