So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
