I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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