Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
