you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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