Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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