He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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