i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm always down for nudity.
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