I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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