she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He better not be in your backpack
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
