Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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