if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
ok first of all what the fuck
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
