Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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