Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
