I wish I could teleport
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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