before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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