Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
