Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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