I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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