I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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