yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
