matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
