Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
