mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
