My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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