Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
