final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
