At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
All I want is dick and wine.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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