I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
