don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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