If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize