my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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