Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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