I have demons in me.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
