Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
