I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
