All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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