Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
