If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You did what with his pubic hair?
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