It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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