I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I need to calm my uterus...
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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