so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
