oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
